He is the Author and Finisher
I have been feeling chaotic lately in my life and my mind. We have had a lot of changes and just trying to figure out what things look like next for us in ministry and in life. We have begun our new adventure on our little hobby farm with goats and cows and dogs. We planted a nice small garden this year and have just been busy in general. This year my youngest son was accepted to a master’s program in another city, and my mother has been dealing with a lot of health issues and the diagnoses of dementia. Life has not been friendly sometimes.
I cycle through days of depression and anxiety trying to figure out who I am now. Looking for purpose and meaning to my life. I distract myself most days because I don’t want to sit down and get quiet with my own thoughts. I am scared of the silence. Scared that I will hear God’s voice and scared that I won’t hear God’s voice. Wondering if these thoughts I have are really mine or are they from somewhere else. I grasp for things to fulfill this aching in my heart that I feel most days of the week. What have I done with my life? Have I made a difference in the lives of those around me? Thoughts that I know come from my enemy, like, would anyone miss me if I were gone? Would anyone even know or care that I ever existed? I wonder if this is what God meant for my life to look like or if I have really screwed it up. As I look back on things that seem like failures in my life, they seem to add up to more than the victories. Was I a good mom? Am I a good wife? On and on these thoughts go.
As I finally allow myself to get quiet and wait for these thoughts to shut up, I hear a voice that whispers, “I am proud of you. You are never out of my sight. I have a plan for you”. I hear that He has a purpose for my life and He knows exactly where I am in this moment. He has seen my failures and my scars, and He loves me through them all. I hear Him say to me to remember that He is the Author and the Finisher of my faith. When I take my eyes off of Him and I begin to look to things in this world to heal me, and fulfill me, that is when things seem chaotic, that is when the enemy begins his tirade of accusations and reminders of my failures and shortcomings. It is in those times that I am vulnerable to the depression and anxiety.
I have to remember Hebrews 12:2 “looking unto Jesus the Author and Finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.” When I fix my eyes on Him, everything gets put into the place it should be. The things around me are no longer things to fulfill me or heal me, those are just gifts and blessings to enjoy. He becomes my One thing. As I gaze upon Him, my peace returns, my thoughts shift, and joy comes back. I see the next step and the next. The path ahead leads to Him. He is the destination on this journey. He will direct every stop along the way. Whether that be careers, or ministry, or what animals to buy next :). He was the Author of the beginning and He is the Finisher of my end. He has already written a beautiful story for the in between. It is in Christ that I find out who I am and why I am here! It is in Christ that my life is fulfilled!
